“Tantrums May End in Tears, But Your Calm Response is What Helps Your Child Learn to Trust You”
When your child is upset, you have the power to guide them through their feelings and emotions by remaining composed and calm. Tantrums are totally natural. It’s that time again. Your 4-year old is screaming and crying loudly on the floor of your local supermarket because he wants a red packet of potato chips that you said no to! Everyone is looking at you and your face is turning beet red! You want to shout at the loudest volume possible. Stop crying or I’m leaving you here, but some reason stops you.
You are not alone. Children go through tantrums whether it be through whining, screaming, kicking, or even holding their breath as part of their normal development. Tantrums are not signs of bad parenting or being spoiled; rather, they are your child’s way of expressing their great, overwhelming emotions without being able to verbalize or manage them yet. When you yell back, you do not solve the issue but rather intensify the emotion of the tantrum.
How do You Remain Calm, Set Boundaries, and Help Your Child Learn to Control Their Emotions Without Yelling?
Yelling at your child to settle them down is no more effective than yelling at a thunderstorm in the hopes of stopping the rain. Research and parenting experts have shown consistently that when adults react with loud and angry outbursts, children are likely to imitate that behaviour resulting in more frequent and higher degree temper tantrums.
As an additional downside to yelling at children, it triggers the child’s brain to go into fight-or-flight mode, therefore rather than processing and hearing what you’re saying; they are flooded with fear and anxiety. Over a period of time, this can cause a breakdown of trust and ultimately lead to increased anxiety levels and more difficulties with self-regulation.
In addition, the opposite is true when using smart, calm and non-yelling methods. It teaches your children that their feelings are ok and rules are clear; and thus, they can depend on an adult for feelings of safety.
Tantrums are Temporary, How You Respond Matters
As an Indian parent, you are probably feeling overwhelmed with all the demands placed on you from every direction, including work, family members, school pressure, and of course, what other people think about you. So when your child has a meltdown, it can often be the last straw for you. To cope with this challenge, you need to change how you think about meltdowns. Instead of treating meltdowns as misbehaviour that needs to be dealt with, start thinking of them as practise for learning how to express emotions.
After every tantrum and meltdown, you will find that there is an opportunity for you to teach your child a very important lesson. For example, it’s okay for you to be angry, but hitting me is not an option.
After every tantrum and meltdown, you will also find opportunities to talk to your child about feelings. For example, after your child was upset because he/she didn’t get ice cream, you could tell your child I understand you were really upset with me when I told you no ice cream. Next time you will be able to tell me, I’m very angry that I don’t have ice cream. The goal is not to be a perfect parent; rather, it is to be present, patient and consistent with your child.
